I'm in deep love with the new picture above. Heh I wanted to put the front part, but the picture looks kinda erotic somewhat, so I went against that. God knows some random pre-puberty child happened to stumble upon this blog and experience his/her first 'porn'. Funny that I used to think that people who don't wear shirts are prostitutes by nature. Hahaha okay that was when I was 10? I'm way too innocent and I am still :)

Well, I just watched Singapore Idol and I'm really not surprised with the results. Hell yeah I was rooting for Tabitha but it's so clear that Sylvia and Sezairi were going to the Finals. But Tabby definitely fought hard and she deserved a standing ovation for that. C'mon, pretty and soulful voice at 17? That's definitely Jordin Sparks Singapore-style in the making, man! I'm pretty sure that she's gonna get hooked up with a music producer soon. All is not lost, love :)

Okay, dad bought me a new phone to prepare me for NS. It's a pretty cool phone by Nokia and it's red (my favourite colour besides yellow and pink). I can't lie, I'm pretty much upset about going NS so soon. But I'm telling myself it's gonna be swell - the time spent, the new friends, a brand new headstart in life as an adult.

Argh I'm missing a lot of people right now especially WFA. He's in Australia, I don't know when he'll be back or whether he's back. But God, please let me talk to him before I'm enlisted :(

Woah, I didn't expect life after A's to be such a whirlwind. Everything's zooming passed so fast I don't even know where I was a second ago. And as I have expected before A's, life now isn't really the same anymore. Too many things happening at one time can be quite conflicting and it'snot really good for the soul. Oh well.

Okay what I'm going to say next is all the emo shizz that I've been writing about. You can skip it if you want to but I bet you'll read it anyway. Stop lying. Haha.

I went to my grandmum's grave yesterday to seek some solace. My aunt told me that when grandmum was alive, she never let anyone hurt or scold me for anything. She was protective of me and always giving me the best among my other siblings. So I was thinking, what if she was still alive right now? Will I be hurt the same way I did, and could problems be less complicated than it is now? Maybe I could have been a better person, be in a better situation than I am in right now. I wouldn't have faced the pain I'm facing now. I would be rather be single forever with grandmum by my side than having to be hurt just to be loved. It's so ironic - Hurt begets Love.

With these 4 days I'm left with, I've given up almost my entire being trying to tell you how much I love you. But all that came out from it was... nothing. No calls, no text messages, no emails. My strength depletes with every minute that has gone passed. If I do this any longer, I'll crumble. So I'm giving you up. If you're much happier without me, then I'm giving you up. If you deserve someone better, then I'm giving you up. If I'm no longer in your heart like I used to be at, then I'm giving you up. There's really no point for me to keep waiting because you needed time. I gave you plenty but all you wanted was more. I can't be your angel from God, because you treated me unlike one. I can't be your perfect lover, because you're never there with me to begin with.

To God: If I was never meant to feel a fraction of love, then take me away from this world. I rather be with You.

And they said we have to learn from mistakes. What if you were not a mistake?

Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

If there was one thing I did learn from life, it is never to fall deeply in love. I should have known, from the beginning. Maybe I should start becoming a monk. Abstinence is the key to life-long success. Tsk.

On a good side note, prom was a blast! It was worth it, at least it was with the bestest company. And I still can't believe me and Shamz were the first one to run to the dancefloor. Hahaha! Epic success because everyone started joining after a good 5 minutes of just us two dancing. Hahaha.

(P.S. I'm so made for clubbing)

What was I thinking in the first place? Two years ago when I met you, I really thought this was going to be the beginning of a new fairytale story with another happy ending. But little do I know, it will turn out like this.

Sometimes I wonder, for the past few months, whether you loved me the same way you did two years ago. I never knew what was running through your mind, but I kept holding on even against my own bestfriend's wishes. I knew you were special so I couldn't let you go. I remembered the first time we broke up, we both went through hell. So we patched things up, but look at us again, this was never what we wanted.

The thing I missed about you was talking to you on the phone at night, before we sleep. Even though it was just a phonecall a few times a week, at least I know you were close to me and that you were there for me. But lately, I've been spending lonely nights because you are too busy, even for me. I do not want to get irrational about it, but it has been 9 months since you called. Don't you think that was a bit too long?

Someone said my Love is my greatest strength, I'm losing it bit by bit. I never knew I could fall so hard for someone. I gave you my heart, but I wonder where you've put it now. Maybe it's at the back of your closet, long forgotten.

I pray to God to give me guidance through this. I pray to Him that if you were not meant for me, then He'll show me some signs. Is your absence a sign? I'm living in denial. I know I couldn't love anyone the way I loved you the past two years. Because you're my God-sent miracle, and you gave me happiness I never knew. Right now, things are beginning to change. You're no longer the person I knew two years ago.

I pray for another miracle right now that you'll contact me as soon as possible. I just want to tell you everything I feel towards you. But I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to do so.


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I miss WFA so much, it even hurts to think about it right now :'(